I know, weird name for a title. How can there be joy in pain? Pain hurts. How is there joy in that? Well, let me tell you my story.
See, I’m no stranger to pain. There is more than one kind of pain too. I happen to be familiar with both physical and emotional pain. Most of the time I just push it out of my mind. Back about five years ago my daughter was offered an opportunity to go live out of state with my folks. My daughter asked me for advice. Knowing myself, that naturally I’d want her to stay I sidestepped her question and told her that in some cultures she’d be considered a woman, so she’d have to make her own choice and live with the consequences of it. She did, and she flew out the day before my birthday.
Four months later I was fired from my job due to my disabilities. To be fair, I can’t blame them. They tried working with me, but I was gone more than I was there. Between diabetes and chronic pain, lower back and neck, the amount I could endure got less and less. It wasn’t their fault. From a business point of view, I was unstable and they had to let me go. It wasn’t my fault either. I couldn’t help that my conditions were getting worse. At first I could barely get through an eight hour day and throw up. Then it was a six hour day. Then four. Then I was let go. It was good my daughter had left by that point. She left in August of 2013 and they fired me January 4th of 2014. By this point I was so bad that to be up for ten to twenty minutes caused vomiting. In Oct of 2014 I had cervical decompression and fusion on C5 through C7. That helped some. Now I can generally go for extended lengths with out getting sick, but I still have to be mindful and not over do it, which is still way too easy. As a result I have gone from being fairly active, where I could walk eight miles in a day, to very sedentary, where doing one mile is difficult. It’s not about being slightly winded that I worry about. It’s my back reacting to it and spending the next few days or more resting and recovering from it.
There is also dealing with the diabetes, that throws in even more fun. I’m brittle without exercise, add in exercise and it just gets crazy. As a result I carry a bag of supplies with me; a glucagon pen, a 1 liter soda (I prefer to use soda first. I find it’s easier and faster). I also sometimes have seizures, which the diabetes makes me more susceptible to seizures. I’ve been known to grab a candy bar or soda and start drinking it before I pay for it. I get some weird looks for doing that too.
About a year ago I finalized the divorce, ending a marriage of twenty years. It’s not that I stopped loving her, it’s it was killing me. The stress of having to deal with her was just to much. With her being a multiple personality (D.I.D), PTSD, and so on, it just wore me down. For me, the hardest part was when she’d enter a psychosis and leave for a period of time. This was why my daughter was offered a chance to move. It was affecting her.
So to summarize, daughter leaving, disabilities took me out of work and greatly limited what I can do, and an end to a twenty year marriage. There’s emotional and physical pain right there. So where’s the joy?
The other day I discovered a song by I am They, called Scars. I immediately fell in love with the song. It reminded me that one, we’re not alone. It also reminded me that our scars have a purpose, that our pain can be used to minister to others. Also, our story isn’t done yet. Finally, He bore our scars to show us His heart.
Trust me, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment, in the pain. All you can think about is the pain and how you just want it to end. But knowing that there is a purpose and a hope, that doesn’t exactly make it easier, but it does make it bearable. Knowing that what I’m going through can help someone, there’s the joy in the pain. Knowing that there’s a purpose, even if I can’t see it, that’s at least some comfort.
Torah Rocker 